I'm troubled, I've found sleep difficult these last couple of weeks. Feels like depression is sinking back in, although I hope it's temporary. Carpet will be installed in 48 hours, house listed in a few days, and I hope selling this place (hopefully quickly) relieves what I'm feeling.
Once again, things have changed. Since being single, I've finally gotten to accomplish so many things I couldn't while I was with my last one. And now that those are checked off, it's on to the next. Wanting to share my time, and at the same time, love my alone time. Just so many emotions going, and with this recent death, I'm reminded of my ol enemy, time.
I'm still very grateful for Laela, and having family in town for a few days reminds me, how I don't enjoy being isolated all the time. I'm also reminded of it's always darkest before the dawn, and once started you must finish, and that's where I am at the moment. Just haven't finished. I'm isolating again in someways, re-living some past mistakes, in that I'm closing out this house, and thus this chapter of my life. It certainly didn't go the way I had expected, I try to grateful for what the outcome has been. The way I think now, and the changes that have come about.
I'm looking forward to the additional freedom, not having this house will bring me, and that now out weighs this house, and all the memories and everything else. For whatever reason, I have chosen a path, that my contemporaries, for the vast majority, did not, and I'm sure in their own way, they probably thought the same. I'm sure deep down, we are more alike than we are different.
My heart is heavy tonight, as it has been for a few weeks now. I'm sure all the extra money that has been needed for remodeling is part of it, and I reminded myself this week. That decision, was made long ago. I look forward to having a zero balance, and can make decisions for today, today.
I hope to read this in 90 days and be 2 time zones away, and this be a distant memory.
