Isn't it crazy

Underling words are itlaizixced because you cannot underline on this blogger.com
I am typing this in because I don't know how to host files. If someone who reads this would be willing to host the pdf ver of this, I have it. I scanned this in and made it so I would never lose this.
I have copied this letter verbatem, so all grammactical errors or misspellings are due to the original author.

Dear Matt,

I have begun this letter to you many, many times. I hope you will read this and know it is the truth from my heart to you.
I have always loved you with a deep and lasting love and always will.
Since the day I first learned you were to be, I anticipated you with a profound sense of joy & happiness as I did with your brother, Lance. You were exactly the baby boy I dreamed about.
I took excellent care of myself when expecting you, no alcohol, drugs (prescription or otherwise) that might harm you. I wanted the very best for you as I do now.
What has been woven together can not be unwoven.
You will always be my son, whom I love & cherish. I will always be your mother.
Matt, there is nothing you can do or say which would prevent me from loving you or thinking about you often, always keeping you in my prayers and dreams.
I have learned many truths during the last two years. I know that a broken heart bring me to a place I know for certain I am not in control of anything! I have learned the profound truth, I am not able to depend on, money, hardwork, love, health or relationships to sustain or protect me.
It is only through the love, grace, strength and power of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (for all eternity) that I am able to accomplish anything, be forgiven of everything and to bare all things in this life. It's all the things above:
It's not who I am,
That makes me unique.
It's not what I say
That makes you listen when I speak.
It's not the way I place my feet,
when I walk your way.
It's not the way I talk about Jesus,
when for you I bow and pray.
It's not the way I use my voice,
when I praise and sing.
Or close my eyes to worship
the awesome King of Kings!
It's not the love I have for you,
when I hold your hand.
It's not my tears that are shed,
when, by your side I stand.
It's not when I pray you through,
a time of pain and dread.
It's not the long, lonely nights I cried,
over words that have been said.
Let me tell you what it is ....
as if you cannot see,
It's ALL the things above ....
Because it's my God, in me!
Looking back, I know I did not know how to parent you. I always thought love would be enough. But, I was wrong. I should have taught you by love and example to live your life
"Train up a child in the fear and admonition of the Lord and when he is old, he will not depart from"
According to God's instruction and Principles. It was a hugh mistake and I was wrong, we both paid dearly.
I regret the many mistakes I have made with regard to you. I am so sorry for things I did or did not do; things I say (there is no strikethrough) said or did not say; anything I've done that caused you saddness or pain. I would sincerely and humbly ask you to forgive me.
There are so many things I wish I could say to you, I wish we could talk about, share, & laugh together again.
I really believe it all comes to this; not having you in my life or being able to share yours is the single most difficult, painful experience I have ever know in my life.
I would ask you from the depth & breadth of my being to allow us to begin to build a new relationship, one based on love, honesty, mutual respect and trust
I know all of this would take time. I don't think it would be easy especially since trust has been broken. I am willining to take the first step. Would you take the Second step?
God's word says, "Love covers a multidue of Sins"
I will always love you as long as I have life. I would be willing to get together anytime, any where on your terms.
Please let me be a part of your life again. I would truly like to be Mother to you as you are now, an adult.