Something New

Okay so I had this very powerful day, of just freaking out and backsliding, and through it, I've learned 2 things. One, my coping skills are a cruel cruel joke at best, and two.... That I now believe in karma, or the law of the harvest or whatever you want to call it for the first time in my life. It's some academic thing, but real. And I believe I believe it now because I think, my conscious is trying to come back.

Fear, pain, and just being LOCKED in self imposed freak out SHOULD be enough to motivate me to change, and apparently I'm pretty stubborn.

Thank goodness for life after "mistakes"

Ciao

Self Discovery

The damnedest thing I've learned on my road of self discovery, it's a real eye opener, and I wonder initially why didn't I already know this (DUH!!) and how in the hell am I going to use this? It leaves me wondering, and inside vs outside, how I feel and what I do.

Like today, don't feel so good, getting over the flu I believe and well want rest. Kinda a no brainer.

Holy Cow!!!

According to the US Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), in any twelve month period around ten million Americans will have at least one mental health disorder co-occurring with at least one substance abuse disorder. The same report states that mental health disorders often predate substance abuse disorders by 5-10 years. Furthermore, 59% of people with a substance abuse issue also have a mental illness of some kind.

59%. Wow. Those are some pretty high odds.

Well good I'm not alone, in great company and this explains a lot. Glad I am doing what I am doing now. Beats the @#%^ out of the alternative.

This last 6 days

This last 6 days of my life has been the hardest I can remember since the 4th week of Jan 04. Unbelievably tough, I'm so grateful for all the guys I've met this week. And a thought that just keeps going is, I got a basket full of lemons and all they all taste the same. Absolutely nothing has any flavor.

What does it matter

What does it matter? Goodbye Denise

I'm pretty confused right now

The few people that are around me, all seem pretty sick. How do you find new people? They just aren't alone is all. Where do new people hang out? I've been actually trying to make church and this will be the second weekend in a row I'll have missed. I can make it next Sunday at the moment at least, I think I can.

Been thinking about being comfortable for once in my own skin, and that once you get there, man that's got to be amazing. You can be anywhere then right?

I have really done it to myself this time. And I might as well just twitter myself cause no one knows, or reads what I say. So does it really matter what I do? Tree forest thing I guess. God, my soul.

Miss you

After what can only be described as an endless butting of heads to the nth degree, and finally getting some relief from that at a pretty high cost. I've recently had to amputate my arm, because I had a splinter. Try as I may, and I'm sure that splinter would disagree I couldn't do anything about it. Now I find myself missing my arm and that splinter. It's really affected me a lot more that I intended or could have imagined.

Open minded, willing, have faith are words that keep coming up around me.

I sure do miss you, and I hope for the best for all of us.