Goodbye to everything I knew

I'm sitting here tonight. for the first time, in a real sense that this is the beginning for me out of here of Oklahoma for good this time.

I reached my goal to find a few things, as they are, or at least as I see them.

A broken relationship that is now no more, and that has left a void, and I'm not sure what more I can say on that. The struggle to get through that relationship, and school was more that could have been imagined, while carrying a mortgage where one partner never did complete their end. Came close a few times in 4 years. Anyway I sit today, finished with school and there is no where to apply my craft like so many Americans. And through some self imposed adversity, and external I find myself broke. No woman. And I still have responsibility's to myself, my dog, my family, and right now until I get rid of it, my home.

I have found myself going mad these last couple weeks, and I've come to one conclusion. A 'hail mary' pass. I'm going to talk to a Navy recruiter this week and find out some more information, if I understand correctly I'm 99.9% I will join. We will see. Also have an interview tomorrow, and hope to hear back from another company this week as well. I've got a few stop gap measures in place, two roommates, one I like and one that is already being a challenge, but I'm looking him as a motivator to get off my ass.

I see my life, and surroundings in an entirely different light now. I mourned the loss of girlfriend, what I thought was the love of my life, and to me, my friend. We lost all of that, and it hurt beyond my wildest imagination. With that I'm moving forward.

There is nothing that is holding me back now, nothing I want here. And now that is said out loud, I feel empty on hand, and pretty excited on the other. The unknown! What do I have to do for me to get there? I'm sick of doing the same ol shit, and barely getting by.

Oh on another note, I have changed my view points on 2 things for me quite considerably, money, and standing up for myself. I've realized as man, I'm supposed to be the leader, but I was hoping communication with a woman, and by that I mean honest both ways we could together get things accomplished. Hasn't happened for me yet, and I'm going to try a different approach now, maybe in time I'll get back to that one.

Being alone, sucks. Meeting new people is nice, but not having that rich history, I miss it. It's scary and exciting thinking of starting my life, and ideally in California, and I'm reluctant with the high unemployment, but maybe with the Navy's help as an Officer and Ultrasound, I can get in. Will see. My main stipulation is not losing Laela, I hope she likes the climate, and the ocean as well.

Maybe I can keep this blog going detailing all of this, that would be really cool to look back and read. Especially since I started this when her and I got together.

So many memories here, and I'm learning they only mean what I want them to mean. I'm surrounded by people who are stuck, and I'm sick of that.

I don't want to revert to old habits, but grow from them ideally. I'm gullible in a lot of ways, and when I give my heart even more so.


Since Denise left:
I finished school, before she left I was making terrible grades. I'm not blaming here, just making an observation
I'm getting 7500$ worth of remodeling done to my house. All new high efficiency storm windows. Insulation in all my walls, new door, and I have a secret door getting that fixed. All new lights, some duct work, and 12 inches of insulation. This list knocks out several things, that the realtor said would keep me from top dollar.
I've reconnected with old friends, who I believe still very much care for me, and I realized how much one person can 'cost' not with dollars so much as with anything else.
I'm trying the things I wanted to do, even though I feel like a toddler learning to walk
And yesterday was the first time in my life I ever thought I would like to have a child.
And not to put words in her mouth, I understood her to believe she paid so much and without me I would never make it in this house or without her. It's been 2 months.

I believe that's a good start.

And to be honest, I do miss the person that she lied about, the false front she claimed to be. That was good stuff, just unfortunately known of it was real.

So here I sit in my backyard enjoying a cool evening, and what will hopefully be my last August night.

My school came at a pretty high price, for me it took everything I had to do that and pay a mortgage on a big house. I did what I had to do to get it done. I'm now ready to work on the next phase. And that might include military service, scary I know, but if I make it, wow. Never saw myself as such, but people I admire have done it, and I've learned you have to think and plan ahead.