Amazing

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see.

Something New

Okay so I had this very powerful day, of just freaking out and backsliding, and through it, I've learned 2 things. One, my coping skills are a cruel cruel joke at best, and two.... That I now believe in karma, or the law of the harvest or whatever you want to call it for the first time in my life. It's some academic thing, but real. And I believe I believe it now because I think, my conscious is trying to come back.

Fear, pain, and just being LOCKED in self imposed freak out SHOULD be enough to motivate me to change, and apparently I'm pretty stubborn.

Thank goodness for life after "mistakes"

Ciao

Self Discovery

The damnedest thing I've learned on my road of self discovery, it's a real eye opener, and I wonder initially why didn't I already know this (DUH!!) and how in the hell am I going to use this? It leaves me wondering, and inside vs outside, how I feel and what I do.

Like today, don't feel so good, getting over the flu I believe and well want rest. Kinda a no brainer.

Holy Cow!!!

According to the US Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), in any twelve month period around ten million Americans will have at least one mental health disorder co-occurring with at least one substance abuse disorder. The same report states that mental health disorders often predate substance abuse disorders by 5-10 years. Furthermore, 59% of people with a substance abuse issue also have a mental illness of some kind.

59%. Wow. Those are some pretty high odds.

Well good I'm not alone, in great company and this explains a lot. Glad I am doing what I am doing now. Beats the @#%^ out of the alternative.

This last 6 days

This last 6 days of my life has been the hardest I can remember since the 4th week of Jan 04. Unbelievably tough, I'm so grateful for all the guys I've met this week. And a thought that just keeps going is, I got a basket full of lemons and all they all taste the same. Absolutely nothing has any flavor.

What does it matter

What does it matter? Goodbye Denise

I'm pretty confused right now

The few people that are around me, all seem pretty sick. How do you find new people? They just aren't alone is all. Where do new people hang out? I've been actually trying to make church and this will be the second weekend in a row I'll have missed. I can make it next Sunday at the moment at least, I think I can.

Been thinking about being comfortable for once in my own skin, and that once you get there, man that's got to be amazing. You can be anywhere then right?

I have really done it to myself this time. And I might as well just twitter myself cause no one knows, or reads what I say. So does it really matter what I do? Tree forest thing I guess. God, my soul.

Miss you

After what can only be described as an endless butting of heads to the nth degree, and finally getting some relief from that at a pretty high cost. I've recently had to amputate my arm, because I had a splinter. Try as I may, and I'm sure that splinter would disagree I couldn't do anything about it. Now I find myself missing my arm and that splinter. It's really affected me a lot more that I intended or could have imagined.

Open minded, willing, have faith are words that keep coming up around me.

I sure do miss you, and I hope for the best for all of us.

Love this poem

W. H. Auden


Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Self Discovery Quotes

Another one
And yup I'm aware of goggling it just like this.

Benefits of not drinking

Another one about the benefits of not drinking

This one I have been toying with, need to shit or get off the pot. Gotta be something else. oOOoOOOOoOOOOOO GGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Journaling part deux

Getting sleepy and didn't want to lose this sight.
Great site
Just keep it real man, it's your life

Journaling

I finally did it, after putting it off, thinking about it, almost month 10 I did it. Now can I say I did it a few more times this week?

And this 'sad blue thing' I'm gonna keep whistling in the dark until I realize there is no spoon. Good bye good bye to you.

Starting over

Well I was talking to Craig today he's in Prague as I write this and got me thinking. What do I want out of life? And Craig doesn't understand the relationship bond of a dog and a person. Well I guess I can relate that to kids to a certain degree. Staring life over or starting. I'm sitting here wondering what is it that I'm even wanting/missing?

I know at this moment I 'envy' those who appear to be in love. I know it looks nice on the outside. I don't know just know I ain't got it.

Flying solo no strings attached.

Free at last, free at last

It's finally over, I am no longer in a relationship. My turn in hell is over, well that might be a little over the top. I'd really like to lament and go on and on, but she and I am leaving her name out cause I think she still reads this occasionally, and as much as she'll deny it, she'd be glad to use it against me. Anyway, I'm now back in the land of the "not with anyone" and it feels better than I had imagined. I was afraid I would be whistling in the dark trying to keep my spirits up. No not anything like that so far. Only time will tell but I really feel life has turned a corner, closed a chapter, and well. I feel my old self coming back everyday, it's only been 2 weeks. I really feel like I've been asleep for 6 years, and just waking up. Ahhh yes the proverbial boy ditches girl life gets better story, told many times.

I'm really humbled by where I am in life right now, and have been thinking for awhile how I got here and where I want to go. I'm not sure how many "wrong" choices I get to make, I only hope I can outlive and learn from them.

And for Crystal, the anchor that gets freed from you, is beyond any word ever uttered on this planet.

My life

Craig

My buddy Craig has decided to follow his own self. He's doing what only most of us dream of, and sold his world posessions and quit his job to go traveling. I've been drinking for a little bit and could write a hell of a lot about this guy, BUT the booze is kicking in. Miss you man, wish I could go with you. Best of luck!!! Look forward to reading about all your travels. Thanks for having the balls and the brains to live my dream!

My first blog from the iPhone

Ok so I'm just sitting at home with the girls watching Jays lasts episode so slow on this thing maybe should twitted

Home

Laela's sleeping on me, man she makes naps look awesome. She does it in style. If I could only get up and grab my camera. A new outlook on things, can really make a big difference. I was just here for some reason and thought I'd post a random tidbit. Damn twitter, and how I love posting random bs.

Hope.

My first 100 days

I sure hope Obama does better with his first 100 days than I did with mine. 100 days without smokes, and I'm not quite official but who's reading this anyway. Seriously if there is ANYONE reading this, send me a mail will ya.

At the moment, I can really only see the 'downside' of it all. And that sucks, try to remember the positive, and not focus on the negative. This to shall pass!!!

Day 6 down and the rest of my life to go

I am humbled to be "here" again. Armed with new knowledge and tools in my tool box. Time will tell if I learned how to put these to better use than last time.

Out with the old in with the new

I've decided to stop smoking again. Stop smoking, more like not starting up a new one. Anyway, I've got a journal on quitnet, and I can only use a 1,000 words. Well in order to add any more (since it's full) words, I need to clean out my old ones. I'm so used to explaining things to Denise ad nauseum at this point in my life it's become a bad habit. Huh, what, I don't understand? I digress, well here's my old journal. I didn't want to lose this and what better way than post it to the public, and I think they gave me a little more than a 1,000 words.

I am quitting to get my wind back, my motivation, everything. I want so badly to be a non smoker again, like when I was a kid.

2/2/07 32 days! Still going strong! We can do this! I love exclamation points!

2/28/07 57 days and counting

3/3/07 60 days today!

3/12/07 69 days today. Another reason I want to quit and stay quit, I just remembered how much I hated smoking in front of and around children. I just didn`t like being that person.

3/17/07 Day 74, I can`t belive it still 74 days. What do I do now instead of smoke, drink gourmet coffee, oh and something amazing has happened I can breath out of both barrels, that`s awesome. I was always plugged up when smoking. Still trying to clean up my life. Oh and a neighbors dog gave birth under my house, so now I have this constant, yelping that isn`t helping my quit. Things seem to come slow in not smoking, which I try to prepare myself for, but so far they seem worth it. A lot of things for me right now are hard fought battles, for tiny quite victories, but I`m doing it, 1 battle at a time.

My new mantra
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

Mar 27th, 07
Well I am starting to realize, that I am grateful. An attitude change, an empowerment. I`m usually worrying, and planning for the worst, and here lately I`ve noticed I`m not. I give credit to a lot of things, and I believe as crazy as this might sound, to not smoking. I walk now, read while walking study mainly and think. I have even started to count my blessings.

Not smoking has helped me realize some things. For example, I am ever so grateful to be able to breath out of both my nostrils, the majority of the time now. I say this a lot or have said it a lot since quitting smoking, `I didn`t quit smoking for this`. I want the best now, and I don`t want to settle. Quitting wasn`t easy and I want the rewards. Like breathing, and smelling and I want things to work as hard as I have to now and if they don`t get rid of them. I`m also very grateful for this place. I`m 84 days without smoking at this point, and that is the longest I`ve ever gone. In fact, I quit my job because I hated it for one, and two I didn`t want anything to interfere with my quit. I was very stressed out at that place. It was, a was now.

Best of luck to everyone and
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain

3/31/07 What a month. Since I quit my job, my BP dropped 50 points. Also the only thing I have had to change since quitting smoking, everything. Just something I`ve noticed.

4/24/07 Still here. Don`t get a lot of time right now, finals, and a new puppy. Miss coming by, still smoke free @ day 113 holy cow BATMAN!

6/7/07 156 days later.... My life seems to have really changed. I think about how much of my life I wouldn`t recoginize from even 6 months ago (I`ve been quit for 5). I am still smoke free, which is awesome, and I am more proud of myself daily. I am working on losing some weight now, the first time in my life. I guess turning 30 had a profound impact on me, cause I have a real fire under my ass now. I have dialed my job WAY back, which is good for stress, not so good for money. Which has helped me see where I need to be more efficent with money, and just about across the board of my life.

I am back in school, just completed a chemistry with a hard fought B. I put that stupid class off for 10 years, and the first thing I do when I quit smoking take that on. HA! The teacher was awful, but apparently was just what I needed. I am taking physics now, something I put off for to long.

That`s what I`ve been noticing here lately, quitting has helped me see things `differently`, the things I told myself to justify just about everything, including smoking. I `smell` smokers now, and think that was me. Smoking was 1 more set of chains I put on myself, and I`m glad I`m out. And I KNOW above all else, just 1 will put me right back there, so that keeps me humble.

Life certainly changes after you quit. Which I`m glad for. I ramble, it gets better hang in there! Keep on keepin on, lifes a garden you dig

I guess in short. I `feel` better. I can breath out of nose like I should, I don`t cough in the morning, I can walk/jog, I still have to make myself, but I can. Food does taste better, I`ve noticed I`m a fast eater, so I am teaching myself to slow down, and food continues to taste better. I am learning to enjoy things in a new way. I did put on about 15 pounds, SUGAR!!!!! Boston Creme Pie!!! I am doing the things, that either have scared me, or I`ve put off to long. I paid off debt, now I am working towards a house. It gets better, it`s not a bed of roses, but I guess just like when we started smoking, it`s what you make it.

If I can just keep going, and lose my spare tire, and look like an Abercrombie model, I`ll be doing fantastic! ;-)

6/8/07
Wisdom is knowing what path to take next...
Integrity is taking it

I like that

A new year and a new perspective.

Well a new year is upon us. So what to do, what to do. Well like so many of us, I've decided to make a few changes. One is to quit smoking again, a bad thing I picked back up. Another is to journal, and just try to live better. Last year I decided to go vegetarian, and I wasn't smoking and I just felt better. And well I kinda want to get back. You know after you do something, it's not quite so scary, well quitting smoking for me is kind of like that, and I hope I don't get used to it, being old hat and all. My buddy Craig has inspired me as well. We used to do a lot of things together, well this Joker has put away some toys and picked up new ones, dropped some weight ran a half marathon, and looks awesome. Well bring it!

Also I never post on this thing anymore, doesn't seem like much to write about. Well lets see how this works out. I start my clinical's in a few days. One of the big things that pushed me to finally quit. I'm going to be a sonographer if and when I ever grow up.

Well here it is a new beginning. Let's dance.