Goodbye

I say farewell to 2010 and everything it had in store for me. For me it was quite a year, and I thank you for all the ups and downs. For all the amazing things I got to experience this year, there's one thing that just keeps buggin at me. I met an amazing women this year, and she was just without words or desreciption, anyway she didn't feel 'bad' for leaving people behind that couldn't support themselves, or didn't deliver on what they promised.

I still feel bad for someone, and I'm working through it. She needs money and prayers.

Nameste

Vegan

Vegetarianism is NOT for the weak. As ironic as it 'sounds' as I type it, it's not. It should be, and it's counter intuitive, but it's not easy. Simple yes, easy no.

I now 'think' as I type this, that this says more about me, than the lifestyle. What am I holding onto? What I am not letting go of? It's also wild to me, that in order to work somethings out in the mind, you have to get them 'out' of your mind.

Anyway, getting the right amino acids, proteins, and well that's about it in a veggie world, that I now of at this point, I'm still an 'idiot' when it comes to this. I don't like to cook, and I'm pretty lazy in that catergory. I wish I had Carrie Underwoods bucks to hire a veggie chef. The food is amazing, just takes energy.

I'm tired. Just had to get that out, it's still my blog

Peace out

Life is good today

So, got some of my scuba gear ordered, good stuff. And my class starts next month, just 3 days now. Can't WAIT, I get to do some DIVING!!!! Still smoke free, start workin out again in a few more days. The cough thing is getting so SO much better. I'm not even takin the medicine now, or patches. About a week I guess. Want to be good and clean for my sleep study, oh yeah. Have a PCP now. Getting a second opinion on my Invisiline. Can't wait for that. MMmmm on track for my car, can't wait for that either. Ummmhhh yeah, life is good.

Oh and was told I was high maintenance last night, and that I'm strange today, but that she liked it. Oh two different women. And my therapist pointed out that by being honest and vulnerable people respond to that. Ironic. Well back to it, just felt like typing, and I'm dragging my feet on studying.

This is awesome

So last night I googled http://tinyurl.com/3xqcuxs and the first link that pops up is awesome. Try it, the article well saves me a lot of typing. Serendipity! Oh my

Love, and what I've learned

You know what I've learned from 'unconditional' love. 'Things' I 'love' as much as myself or more, which is few, but what I've learned. I want for them more than me, cliche, check. What's interesting, is, when they grow, and maybe it surpaseses me, I'm not jealous, but grateful.

When those I chose to love, 'outgrow' me, and I'm not jealous, I know.

Freedom

Freedom, is such a powerful word. I've learned today, what it means to me. I thought before I saw my sister, it meant breathing, and not having to carry around smokes. But tonight I got to spend time with my older sister, mom, and niece, and it means, being able to love and appreciate someone for who they are, and nothing more or else. To 'truely' appreciate them for them, and where they are in their life. Freedom, Free DOM, love it, and all it's personal irony. There's nothing else in my life, at least for today, worth more.

I've spent time with an old friend, and I used to think I could never live without her, and the thought of her with another man, I used to go insane. Now, I couldn't be happier for her. And to be able to say that honestly, worth all the money I ever thought I'd make.

Freedom

It's over!

Laela is no longer getting bologna and cheap hot dogs. Done with that, had a conversation with a friend of mine, and she was right, and it's the right thing to do. Laela will now being getting, good quality cuts of meat, and poultry. Roast beef, ham, turkey, and guess that means no more crap from those bar-b-que places either. Laela is going to get healthy with me. I take responsibilty for her, and I know better, and am now going to start doing better. Love you Laelaface!

Here's a great site to figure up home much to feed your friend. Here's the link http://www.natureslogic.com/feeding/dog.htm And here's a great article from the ASPCA for adult dogs http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/dog-care/feeding-your-adult-dog.html

The Face of Dogfighting

The Face of Dogfighting

1 week

It's been over a week now since I've had a smoke, and it's been amazing. I got a good case of the 'Quitter's Flu', and never did run a fever, but had ALL of the other symptoms. Looks like the worst is behind me now. Had chills, sweats, lot of coughing, and all that good stuff. Withdrawl, gotta love it. In fact if I start smoking again, it will just be so I can experience, the joy and wonder of nicotine withdrawl. Yummy.

I did it while working, and I recommend sleeping as much as you can. And single. Watch out world.

See what the next week has in store.

One of my favorites

This was one of the first poems I fell in love with. Still enjoy it, it's timeless like Pink Floyd.

Mr. Robert Frost, R.I.P.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Okay update from my last update

It's Sunday, and I'm just relaxing at the house, it's nice and quite, and I LOVE IT!!! I write that, not to impress or conive, but more for me, when and if I look back on this post. I honestly am at peace at the moment, and have nothing left to prove, just for today.

Let's see some things since I got back from Portland. Well I just back from Orlando, FL, and it just hit to me to add a link here to the photo's I have online. Orlando, and the conference were intense, there is so much I could write, but alas I am not. I'm tired of talking about it. In a word, AWESOME! A side note, I got to turn in my biggest expense report to date in, and currently still waiting on a check. However, that's a nice segway into, I'm loving my finances right now, can pay ALL my bills, and have enough left over to really attack my debt. Which I am planning on sending in my final payments for 2 cards, this week. WOOHOO!!!!! I am living the best life I've ever known up to this point. I'm the lead sonographer were I work, and I know I have the job for at least a year, and longer if I choose. I'm just in a very stable situation, and have been thinking a lot here lately about some people who have to chosen to leave my life. Why? I want to understand what is different about versus them. Why can I? Why can they not.

I read a wonderful quote by Maya Angelou while I was at the conference. "People can only do what they know to do, not what you think they should know, not even what they think they say they know, they can only do what they know to do." Brilliant! That sums it up nicely, and I've been thinking of this one too, "The higher we soar the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly." F Nietzsche. The lesson I'm learning is that, this life I have is for me, and it's my own custom lesson, and so is yours. And the lesson I'm learning is to let go, it's painful to see others so stunted. So unable to see, and I have to remind myself, what is it I'm missing, what do I not see?
Plato's Allegory of the Cave keeps coming up.

Other things, that are tangible and quantifiable. I'm on day 3 of no smoking, and except for a few instances, I've been vegetarian now for over a month. I'm so very much enjoying life, and I don't want to be apart of others suffering. If I can't stop it, I can at least stop my part of it. I got rid of cable, I found I was never watching it. I've been just to busy, going out, enjoying life, just there's so so much to do, and sitting here watching tv wasn't apart of it for me.

I have no more roomates, and had my cousin do what he does best and bail out while I was at work. I'm not mad, and I understand why he did it. My hasn't tried to contact me for almost 2 weeks, THANK YOU! I hope she finds a rich man, as in right now, and leaves me alone permantely. I'm thankful for life again! I didn't realize how toxic my relationship was, and how much I just cannot stand her not supporting herself, and her children. I didn't know people could be that helpless.

Got the house winterized, and my last elec bill was .47$, nice. Circumstances, have just gotten night and day better, but I don't feel different. Other than I'm grateful to not have to fight and bicker all the time. Just everything is looking up, and I'm slowly starting to see the differences, of my old life to now. I have some more changes in mind, and getting a new car is one of them. That's one of the big ones, and scuba diving again. Til then I have more work in front of me, what I've accomplished so far puts me in a new league, but at the beggining. It's wonderful looking forward to going to work. It's a lot nicer than I've ever known before, and I wouldn't trade a single second for any part of my old life. Might sound hoakey, nonetheless it's true.

Well, I'm running a little low. The detox is taking effect, sore throat, letheragy, but I know it will soon pass. That to is a wonderful thing to know, it will pass. It's nice to have a nice moment your in too, but you get the point.

New Post

After much poking and proding, I am writing. I hope this makes everyone happy for the moment.

I have so much to write about since my last post.

I've spent a few days in Portland OR, a day in Spokane, WA gotten to hike up Multinomah Falls, gotten to study under Monte. Seen about 120 patients since I've started, lost a roomate, gotten another one that I'm not so sure about. Paid off about 25% of my debt, in a single paycheck. Again, scanned so many people, and I am humbled by how many people I've effected. Continued to say goodbye to a relationship I thought would be forever, and am reminded daily how important the people that are in my life, just how much they mean to me.

A day without waking up to Laela, and getting a hug after work, and getting to sleep with her, is a day that never was. I'm so grateful to have her fully insured now, and I don't think I could ever convey her importance to me. Well I'll try, as important as she is for me, my ex is the exact opposite. I live a life today that I'm very grateful for, and I'm even more grateful for those that are NOT in it.

I've come a long way since I started this blog, and next week I'll be in Orlando, FL for 4 days. I get to do it through work, and they will paying for it, and they are paying for 2 days of me to study at work. I have the Willy Wonka golden ticket for employment, and I am blessed. Laela and I now have our dreams made true.

Every single day we wake up without the EX and that putrid spawn she made to reproduce herself, is a day of joy no matter how you cut it. Life could be one of wishing you slit you throat or your genitals if you were her, or it could be one of joy that you have nothing to do with that putrid shit she spawned. Today, I won the lottery, that I have nothing to do with either one of them!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodbye to everything I knew

I'm sitting here tonight. for the first time, in a real sense that this is the beginning for me out of here of Oklahoma for good this time.

I reached my goal to find a few things, as they are, or at least as I see them.

A broken relationship that is now no more, and that has left a void, and I'm not sure what more I can say on that. The struggle to get through that relationship, and school was more that could have been imagined, while carrying a mortgage where one partner never did complete their end. Came close a few times in 4 years. Anyway I sit today, finished with school and there is no where to apply my craft like so many Americans. And through some self imposed adversity, and external I find myself broke. No woman. And I still have responsibility's to myself, my dog, my family, and right now until I get rid of it, my home.

I have found myself going mad these last couple weeks, and I've come to one conclusion. A 'hail mary' pass. I'm going to talk to a Navy recruiter this week and find out some more information, if I understand correctly I'm 99.9% I will join. We will see. Also have an interview tomorrow, and hope to hear back from another company this week as well. I've got a few stop gap measures in place, two roommates, one I like and one that is already being a challenge, but I'm looking him as a motivator to get off my ass.

I see my life, and surroundings in an entirely different light now. I mourned the loss of girlfriend, what I thought was the love of my life, and to me, my friend. We lost all of that, and it hurt beyond my wildest imagination. With that I'm moving forward.

There is nothing that is holding me back now, nothing I want here. And now that is said out loud, I feel empty on hand, and pretty excited on the other. The unknown! What do I have to do for me to get there? I'm sick of doing the same ol shit, and barely getting by.

Oh on another note, I have changed my view points on 2 things for me quite considerably, money, and standing up for myself. I've realized as man, I'm supposed to be the leader, but I was hoping communication with a woman, and by that I mean honest both ways we could together get things accomplished. Hasn't happened for me yet, and I'm going to try a different approach now, maybe in time I'll get back to that one.

Being alone, sucks. Meeting new people is nice, but not having that rich history, I miss it. It's scary and exciting thinking of starting my life, and ideally in California, and I'm reluctant with the high unemployment, but maybe with the Navy's help as an Officer and Ultrasound, I can get in. Will see. My main stipulation is not losing Laela, I hope she likes the climate, and the ocean as well.

Maybe I can keep this blog going detailing all of this, that would be really cool to look back and read. Especially since I started this when her and I got together.

So many memories here, and I'm learning they only mean what I want them to mean. I'm surrounded by people who are stuck, and I'm sick of that.

I don't want to revert to old habits, but grow from them ideally. I'm gullible in a lot of ways, and when I give my heart even more so.


Since Denise left:
I finished school, before she left I was making terrible grades. I'm not blaming here, just making an observation
I'm getting 7500$ worth of remodeling done to my house. All new high efficiency storm windows. Insulation in all my walls, new door, and I have a secret door getting that fixed. All new lights, some duct work, and 12 inches of insulation. This list knocks out several things, that the realtor said would keep me from top dollar.
I've reconnected with old friends, who I believe still very much care for me, and I realized how much one person can 'cost' not with dollars so much as with anything else.
I'm trying the things I wanted to do, even though I feel like a toddler learning to walk
And yesterday was the first time in my life I ever thought I would like to have a child.
And not to put words in her mouth, I understood her to believe she paid so much and without me I would never make it in this house or without her. It's been 2 months.

I believe that's a good start.

And to be honest, I do miss the person that she lied about, the false front she claimed to be. That was good stuff, just unfortunately known of it was real.

So here I sit in my backyard enjoying a cool evening, and what will hopefully be my last August night.

My school came at a pretty high price, for me it took everything I had to do that and pay a mortgage on a big house. I did what I had to do to get it done. I'm now ready to work on the next phase. And that might include military service, scary I know, but if I make it, wow. Never saw myself as such, but people I admire have done it, and I've learned you have to think and plan ahead.

This made me laugh

Tapped, must see

http://www.tappedthemovie.com/

This was another eye opening documentry for me. I've been on a bit of kick here lately, and this is quite thought provoking. The thing I think most of us here in the US is, won't effect me, and even if it did, what can I do? I'm just one person living my life, really what can I do? And on the other, we have enough things to worry and scare the shit out of ourselves with, do I really need one more, like water? I'll stick with bourbon.

This seems like a nice pit stop on the net

Check it out http://tinyurl.com/34sf6rj. And on a side note, the internet has changed quite a bit since I first started this blog. I was out in California, with a dial up, so a few laptops later, wireless, huh just was having a moment, and of course I'm here so get it out right? Anyway back to your life.

Don't Quit

Dont Quit!

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road youre trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but do not quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Dont give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victors cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when youre hardest hit
Its when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Anonymous

Hey Matthew

Phone rings...Hey Matt it's for you, it's you life calling....

Ahh it's a new day

Ahh the life lessons, and joys of getting out a horrible relationship. It's wild how you can tangle yourself up in such a despicable mess. I followed a rabbit as far down the hole as possible, and now it's over and I can move on. The freedom from this life lesson is, hard to describe. Hello World here I come!

Great article

Love this song, so true

I'm here, just like I said
Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made
My racing heart, is just the same;
Why make it strong to break it once again?
And I'd love to say "I do";
Give everything to you
But I could never now be true

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I'm here, so please explain
Why you're opening up a healing wound again
I'm a little more careful, perhaps it shows
But if I lose the highs at least I’m spared the lows
Now I tremble in your arms
What could be the harm?
To feel my spirit calm?

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I wouldn't know how to say
How good it feels seeing you today
I see you've got your smile back
Like you say - you're right on track
But you may never know why
Once bitten, twice as shy
If I'm proud, perhaps I should explain
I couldn't bear to loose you again

Yes, I will.
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper...
I think I better leave right now

What to say

Everything is really in flux right now. Shocked. In Denial. Just keep putting a foot forward. This is really unreal.